March 11, 2025

being obsessed with getting sick

I got really sick recently because people don’t really wear masks when they’re sick anymore. While I was making my breakfast and sniffing up my mucus, I had the strange fleeting thought that I didn’t enjoy having colds anymore? I don’t know why that was??? Why would I ever like having colds?

And then it clicked. I remember Young Torch sitting in the car to the pharmacy, the pressure on my body as the car swivelled around the bend, and the intense, horrible, scratching pain in my throat. I thought I was going to die (little did I know, I’d have a near-death experience just 10 years later). Even though I was in so much indescribable pain, I was having the time of my fucking life. You want to know why that was. No, it wasn’t the copious amounts of drowsy cough syrup I downed, and no, it was only partially the fact that I got to skip school.

See, I’m a writer at heart (if I say that so many times, it becomes true). And I’ve always, since I first picked up a pencil, stuck with the motto of ‘write what you know’. At that time, I was a child who was almost completely untouched by hardships, alhamdulillah, but I so desperately needed to experience things in order to write about them.

I thoroughly enjoyed mentally tracking every single sensation I felt, every emotion that crossed my mind, and every complaint that passed my tongue while I was sick. Soon after, I delved into writing sickfics, centered around tragedies befalling my little blorbos like Alois Trancy and Natsu Dragneel. The young mind yearns for whump.

Now that I’ve lived it several times, and to the worst possible outcome, it’s just not exciting anymore. I just don’t care. And frankly, it’s just more of an inconvenience than anything. Turns out being employed really strips you of your childlike whimsy. Who would’ve thought?

Songs of the Week

I can’t lie to you, I’ve just been listening to the album Beyond the Binary by TEMPLIME and Hoshimiya Toto this entire time. This album is so good. I fucking love it when songs just bleed into each other like the album is just one whole song split into sections and moods.

I went on a big pipeline from phritz, to NEET, and back to Hoshimiya Toto on Spotify. Which is crazy if you’re me, because I used to interact with Hoshimiya Toto on twitter back when she was creating the stargaze shelter project with my mutual Gaze from Tokyo. Please go check out stargaze shelter’s music, it’s so good. The project is over now, but the music is still beautiful if you like dreampop and more of like that indie-pop-rock vibe.

February 27, 2025

songwriting

I've written an EP and an album. It's so weird to say those words, but I've done it. Especially since I've been in what I thought was a perpetual state of writer's block for so many months. I guess all I needed was to take a step back from fiction and breathe music into myself.

The bad thing is, I don't really know where to start. I'm not really good at playing instruments, so all I have is lyrics and vague tunes swimming inside my head. It's beautiful and makes my fingers buzz and my body sweat but it's something.

I'm going to try and get this project off the ground.

torch songs

Plural form of torch song

noun

A popular song with a sentimental theme of unrequited love or other form of unhappiness.

I don't care if it takes years or rejections, I really want to do this.

February 17, 2025

i'm tired

Overwhelmed but greatful

I failed 3/4 of my modules for my first semester. I had a panic attack (unrelated to my grades) at my gym and got a free hot chocolate and went to a protest after doing ghusl. I am so fucking tired I'm tired I'm tired I'm tired.

Pride is the only thing stopping me from dropping out and I don't think I'll ever have time to get back on track. I definitely need to resit some exams and because of this I won't be able to work in the summer. I don't know what I'm going to tell people. What is wrong with me. LOL.

In other news.

For Valentines day I woke up super early, missed both of my classes of the day, studied for (almost) four hours straight and came home to watch TV shows and read fanfiction. This is usually my perfect-day-routine, and my idea of self care. It was probably the ideal situational conditions. Those sorts of days usually just happen, just as random in occurrence as a panic attack or a stranger complimenting me in the street. It feels like my plans mean little to nothing in this life because something will always ruin it, but the days where my expectations and plans are followed through 99% of the way are the best.

Songs of the Week.

Number one: change my mind by phritz. I must have heard this song years ago, I don't know where? Maybe in an edit, or it just floated towards me through the Spotify algorithm? I need to delete that app. I hate algorithms. So much.

Number two: Eat That Up, It's Good For You by Two Door Cinema Club. I really like this song because it's like a slap in the face and a hug in the same time. the melody is nice too. If you read this blog, put 'meow meow meow' in my yellbox. If you don't read my blog, drink water and stretch.


Number three: Darjeeling by Barrie. I don't know why but this is a very soft butch song to me, it's like a nice warm stay-at-home date. Barrie I love you, never stop making music because your voice is like balm for my ear drums. You're lubin' me up. Sorry, that was disgusting.

February 10, 2025

hello...

My first post on this blog. And I guess the topic for today's blog post is this:

Feeling Stupid.

I don't really know whether I would call this a type of imposter syndrome or not. It's especially difficult to identify that from my perspective. I study in a tech field right now because it was the path that would make my parents the happiest. I do have small interests in tech, specifically gaming, robotics, and coding. I also get rapid hyperfixations on some areas (at the minute, it's Linux) but they never last longer than one month, and even less if I'm discouraged from pursuing these interests. I used to be really smart and able to pick up skills quite easily, but nowadays it's getting more and more difficult to do this. Skill regretion, I believe it's called. I want to be good at programming, but I just can't find the drive beyond doing my own projects that bring me joy at my own pace.

My brain works in extremes where I'm either extremely on top of things, or I can't even move my face and get out of bed. I've strayed from rotting on TikTok and Instagram, thankfully. I soon realised that these worked as brilliant pacifiers for my thoughts about my future and how I'm living my life, and everything just came crashing down. Responsibilities, skills, talents. Beyond how I present aesthetically, I'm a bland individual.

Moving away from home has thrown me into the deep end and I never learnt how to swim through social situations. I feel even more stupid every time I try to talk to people without having a friend on my side to bounce off of.

I really don't want my blog to be all depressing and negative, I just don't have much of an outlet for my feelings. To copy Brittany Broski, I guess I'll do a:

Songs of the Week.

Number one has to be Moth's Wings by Passion Pit. I went down a bit of a temporary rabbit hole with this artist. I used to listen to Sleepyhead a lot as a child and it was just a really beautiful song, and also so significant to me because I played LittleBigPlanet as a kid. I honestly didn't ever have the thought to check Mr Pit's other songs for years until recentlty, and I went through the entire album "Manners" in complete awe. If I were a person who was good at making music, I'd make songs like that. I love how deceptive they are, the majority of the songs on this album are so depressing but the tune is so upbeat. Also very catchy, almost too catchy that I ended up getting sick of all the songs after listening on repeat. I'll give it a few more months so I can be obsessed with it again. I'll actually consider this whole album a part of my top songs.

Number two (or technically, number 15) is Trying to Feel Alive by Porter Robinson. No notes. I thought this guy stopped making music after Shelter, didn't realise there were so many albums I missed. I love that he uses his own voice in his songs now.

and finally,
Number three is Where No One Goes by Jónsi. My good friend introduced my to How To Train Your Dragon recently. After avoiding the movies for years I watched it with them and it was actually brilliant. I wish my younger self had those movies.